Sunday Funnies: March 19

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 2/6/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Parables

Man came in after being bitten by a mad dog. The doctor confirmed he had rabies and it was too late to do anything, he should die within the week. He sat right down and began writing…filled one paper and its back, went to a second. The doctor said, “Wow, that is a pretty long will.” The man replied, “Will, nothing. I’m making a list of people I plan to bite.”

A pastor announced that 20 years ago Jesus called him to this parish but now Jesus has called him to another ministry and he had to respond to that call and leave. The congregation stood and sang a special hymn… What a Friend We Have in Jesus.

There was a pastor who said wrong things and often didn’t know it. One Sunday his wife told him he said Jesus took 5,000 fish and 5,000 loaves and fed 5 people. So the next week to make up for it, he off-handedly said, “We all know Jesus fed 5,000 with 5 fish and 5 loaves – who could imagine how he did it?” And a boy spoke up that he knew how — “he did it with all that was left over from last week. “

Sunday Funnies: March 12

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 1/30/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

HEARD IN COURT

Fellow goes to court to get another to pay for a broken leg from an accident. Officer testifies he admitted to no injury when asked at time of the accident. Fellow testifies it was true but you must understand the context.

He had been in his horse drawn carriage with his hound-dog alongside when hit by a speeding car. As he was lying on the ground, the sheriff came up and saw the injured horse: shot him.

Then he saw the injured dog: shot him.

Came up to me and asked, “Are you hurt?”

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Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

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Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th
Q: What year?
A: Every year

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

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Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks

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Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

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Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

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Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Sunday Funnies: March 5

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 1/23/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

DEAR PASTORS

Dear Pastor, I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister. Yours sincerely, Arnold, Age 8, Nashville

Dear Pastor, Please say in your sermon that Peter Person has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson. Sincerely, Pete, Age 9, Phoenix

Dear Pastor, My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something. Robert Anderson, age 11

Dear Pastor, I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won’t be there. Stephen, Age 8, Chicago

Dear Pastor, I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland. Loreen, Age 9, Tacoma

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important than money, but I still want a raise in my allowance. Sincerely, Eleanor, Age 12 Sarasota

Dear Pastor, Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow. Laurie, Age 10, New Year City

Dear Pastor, I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner. Love, Ellen, Age 9, Athens

Dear Pastor, Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God’s help or a new pitcher. Thank you, Alexander, Age 10, Raleigh

Dear Pastor, My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don’t think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house. Joshua. Age 10, South Pasadena

Dear Pastor, Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class. Carla. Age 10, Salina

Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday, especially when it was finished. Ralph. Age 11, Akron

Dear Pastor, How does God know the good people from the bad people. Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers? Sincerely, Marie, Age 9, Lewiston

Sunday Funnies: Feb 26

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 1/16/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Doctor’s notes on patient’s charts (actual notes – unedited)

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. Discharge status: alive but without permission.
6. The patient refused an autopsy.
7. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
8. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
9. She is numb from her toes down.
10. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
11. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
12. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
13. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
14. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
15. Skin; somewhat pale but present.
16. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
17. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Sunday Funnies: Feb 19

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 1/9/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Parables

THE HANDICAPS OF YOUTH: Parents of two teenagers are worried about their kids’ failing eyesight. The daughter can’t find anything to wear in a closet full of clothes and the son can’t find anything good to eat in a refrigerator full of food.

POWERFUL COMMUNICATION: A woman says to her neighbor: “I have a marvelous meat loaf recipe. All I do is mention it to my husband and he says, ‘Let’s eat out.’ “

COMMUNICATION AT SUNDAY SCHOOL: A five-year-old came home from Sunday School very excited. His teacher, he reported to his parents, had told the class about the story of Adam and Eve and how Eve was created from Adam’s rib.

A few days later he told his mother, “My side hurts. I think I’m having a wife.”

SUFFERING IN SILENCE: Most people don’t mind suffering in silence as long as everyone else knows about it.

Sunday Funnies: Feb 12

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 1/2/22).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

School Excuses

Favorite excuses written by parents to principals.

• Please excuse Lisa from school yesterday. She was sick so I had her shot.
• I hope you will excuse John for being absent Jan 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
• Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
• Dear Mr. Thomas, Jennifer missed school yesterday for a good reason. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

I believe these were first published in an Ann Landers column.

Sunday Funnies: Feb 5

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 12/19/2021).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Thoughts for Pondering:

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess – why can’t it get us out?

Even if you are in the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It’s easier to fight for one’s principles than to live up to them.

Time may be a great healer, but it’s also a lousy beautician.

Age doesn’t always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

One of life’s mysteries is how a two-pound box of candy can make us gain five pounds.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

Don’t believe everything you think!

Sunday Funnies: Jan 29

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 12/5/2021).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Job Well Done?

A woman hired a carpet layer to put down a huge new carpet. It was a job that took most of the day. After the largest room was laid, the worker stepped outside for a smoking break. But he couldn’t find his pack of cigarettes.

He went back in to look for them and saw a small lump in the middle of the huge living room carpet. There was no way he was going to pull the carpet up – so he got a mallet from his truck and pounded it flat.

Just then the woman came in. “Oh” she said, “I found these cigarettes in the other room. Are they yours? Now if I can just find my parakeet…”

Sunday Funnies: Jan 22

A re-run of my dad’s humor cards. They make me chuckle all over again – so I hope you enjoy them whether it’s the first time or second (first posted on 11/21/2021).

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Honoring the Dead

A 12-year-old was coming out of church with his father and saw a large board with rows of little name plates. He asked his dad what it meant and his father replied, “Those are the names of people from our church who died in the service.”

The boy paused then asked, “Which one – the 9:30 or the 11?”

Sunday Funnies: Jan 15

A rerun of my dad’s humor cards. I laughed all over again when I found this one – the very first one I posted on 11/21/2021

The backstory: My dad was a Presbyterian pastor for 40 years. He kept a well curated stack of humor cards – little stories he heard, found or saw and then typed onto 5×7 cards. Then he wrote in the margins when he used that particular item. His humor was often an easy way to settle in to something deeper – by laughing and thinking about the buried truth in these little nuggets, it paved the way to an open heart.

Things I Learned as a Child

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let your mom brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never asks a three-year-old to hold a tomato.
5. Whether she’s real or not, you should believe in the tooth fairy if you like money.
6. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
7. Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
8. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
9. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.
10. Never hold a dustbuster and a cat at the same time.